Just listen!

by Tom Elliff                                                                                                                                               Vol. XV, No. 9, October 2002

God's first institution, the family, is in trouble. Think of it this way: While each of us sat riveted to our television screens on Sept. 11, 2001, grieving the tragic loss of thousands of lives at the hands of terrorists, another disaster of even greater proportions was unfolding. During that day (if it was like every other day that year) more than 3,000 marriages "died."

While we looked at the rubble of the WTC and Pentagon, there were 3,000 instances where a parent said goodbye to spouse and children, never to return home again. Add to this the fact that 3,000 couples were deciding to get a divorce that week, another 3,000 were filing for divorce, 3,000 more were reaching the kind of desperation that would lead to divorce, and 3,000 were starting out their married lives without the commitments or counseling that would prevent divorce.

With our attention diverted, the Arch-Terrorist just plugged on with his timeless strategy to destroy a nation by destroying its families. In most instances, we just shrugged. These were "silent deaths" only noticed by the media if a prominent figure was involved -- and then only in a passing tip of the hat, noting the big buck payoff the forsaken had received.

There were no sirens wailing, no crowds applauding the desperate attempts to save the family. In fact, those who attempted to rescue them were generally branded as meddlesome and unrealistic, right-wing, narrow-minded, Bible-thumping fundamentalists.

No crowds gathered in vast arenas to mourn their passing ... and no massive government efforts were mounted to prevent future incursions of the Enemy into our homes. Late-night talk shows were so overburdened with interviews and commentary on how to protect our "homeland" that there was just no time left to talk about how to save our "homes." And if you happened to switch to a sitcom for some relief, you would never stumble across a contemporary show portraying a "traditional" family in a positive light.

And the rubble? How many times have you looked at those pictures of the destroyed World Trade Center? It's like trying to take in the Grand Canyon with a box camera! But broken families leave rubble:

Like the fact that one-third of all live births in the U.S.A. are out of wedlock; more marriages in the future will be dissolved by divorce than death; more than 50 percent of children in public schools come from single-parent homes where they experience a 300 percent greater chance for negative life outcomes; more than 50 percent of couples filing for marriage have first lived together out of wedlock; and a major percentage of high-schoolers now think that is the best way to start out.

Oh, there's rubble all right ... but we've just learned to live with it rather than dig out and rebuild on God's principles.

Many divorces could be prevented if spouses would make a genuine effort to listen to one another. I believe that the husband should set the standard, honoring his wife by seeking to listen to her heart. Each year, for instance, my wife, Jeannie, and I set aside a specific time to think about where we've been and just where we are headed in the adventure God is enabling us to live out together. At that time I ask her 10 specific questions in an effort to hear her heart:

1. Is there anything I can do that would cause you to feel more loved?

2. Is there anything I can do that would give you the confidence I respect you and the desires of your heart?

3. Is there anything I need to do to cause you to feel more secure?

4. Is there anything I can do that would indicate I hear and fully understand your heart?

5. Is there anything further I need to do to cause you to have even greater confidence regarding our future direction?

6. Is there any attribute you would like for me to develop or strengthen?

7. Is there any attribute you would like me to help you develop in yourself, even if only by praying for you?

8. What achievement in my life would bring you the greatest joy?

9. What can I do to indicate to you my desire to be more like Christ?

10. What mutual goal, or goals, would you like to see us accomplish together?

This time together, just listening to one another, has become a much-anticipated treasure for us both. I wonder how often tonight, in homes across our land, people deprived of that privilege will shout in exasperation, "Just listen!" That's not a bad idea.

[Elliff is pastor of First Southern Baptist Church, Del City, OK, and chairman of the Southern Baptist Council on Family Life.]