Cohabitation before Marriage: The Dangers of Violating God's Design

                                                                                                                                                 Vol. XIV, No.5,  May 2001

Living together before marriage can be detrimental to future relationships and ultimately the stability of marriage, according to a report released by the National Marriage Project based at Rutgers. "Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need to Know About Cohabitation Before Marriage" analyzed the latest research on changing trends in non-marital cohabitation and the relationships between cohabitation, marriage, and social and economic well-being.

"Living together before marriage seems like harmless, or even progressive family trend until you look at the evidence," explained report co-author David Popenoe, co-director of the National Marriage Project and a professor of sociology at Rutgers.

Some of the report's key Findings:

Living together before marriage increases the risk of breaking up after marriage.

Living together outside of marriage increases the risk of domestic violence for women, and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children.

Unmarried couples have lower levels of happiness and well-being than married couples.

"These findings are really quite surprising," said Popenoe, "and they should be carefully considered by all young Americans."

The report concludes, "By all of the empirical evidence at our disposal, not to mention the wisdom of the ages, the institution of marriage remains a cornerstone of a successful society. And the practice of cohabitation, far from being a friend of marriage, looks more and more like its enemy."

(Source: The National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, New Brunswick, NJ.)

[Comment: I am unclear as to why David Popenoe would consider the report's findings "quite surprising." Perhaps his intent was that an unstated qualification should be understood, something like "to materialists who ignore man's spiritual side" or "to post-modernists who deny any objective right and wrong." Surely for any Christian or, indeed, anyone who looks even briefly at events over the last 50 years it is inescapable that the decrease in enduring marriages and burgeoning of illicit arrangements has spawned an increase in woe for everyone concerned: men, children, and especially women.

God's rules, while authoritative, are not arbitrary and are not intended to spoil our fun. To the contrary, God as Designer and Creator knows us infinitely better than we know ourselves. Being a loving God who cares about His creatures, His revealed will for marriage -- as in every other aspect of life -- is for our benefit, our good, our happiness.

To prostitute to mere passion God's great gift of married intimacy, which pervades body, mind, and soul, is a bit like counterfeiting money: it may appear good but is actually worthless. The analogy breaks down, however, as do all analogies, for counterfeit marriage is worse than worthless ... it is harmful, drastically, even deadly, harmful.

Those who reject commitment may feel affection, but they do not share biblical agape' love. Moreover, they live in a fool's world where they try to pretend there is no such thing as consequences. Cohabitation consequences come in varied forms. One is that when strains come (not if, but when), there is no legal and no societal centripetal force tending to maintain the union. Another consequence is that lack of commitment to the other person inevitably produces increased commitment to me. But the essence of enduring marriage is a servant spirit toward the other. The husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. And the wife is to submit to the servant leadership of her husband as he submits to Christ. It may be possible, but it is difficult to imagine how such postures could be maintained between two people who have a relationship but are unwilling to make the public, spiritual, legal pledge which is marriage.

Such relationships experience more disease, especially venereal disease, than marriages; higher incidences of violence, much more abandonment, a much higher proportion of children growing up without a father (or sometimes without a mother), and also a greater incidence of poverty -- especially among women and children but also among men.

One further remark about cohabitation: Notice the use of multisyllabic language to blow smoke, to hide the truth, to use language as a weapon. Cohabitation is a "neutral" term used to avoid calling the practice what is truly is and what society used to call it: "living in sin". The modern term not only reflects a rejection of marriage, it also rejects God. God's law recognizes only one environment for sexual intimacy: marriage entered solemnly (joyously but solemnly) before both man and God.

To turn for a moment from living in sin to living in marriage, studies discern many tangible advantages. Healthier lives for one thing, not only as a result of less venereal disease, but apparently as a result of more regular habits, more nutritious and regular meals, steadier work experiences, and the resultant better incomes. And now something that runs counter-intuitive to modern "culture", married partners enjoy more sex and more satisfying sex over a lifetime. In addition, much higher percentages of married couples report happy, satisfying lives than those not married, whether the latter are single or "cohabiting".

All the above make eminent sense if you accept the facts that there is a God, He created us, He loves us, and that part of His revealed will for us is to live in holy matrimony and raise up godly offspring. TCP]